(I had been worrying that the "Slam" section of "Slam or Bless" at the Mike's Midnight Movie Reviews Web Site might be atrophying. I've simply been seeing too many good flicks of late. I tried to work up disdain for RACE THE SUN, but that movie was too nice to thrash. DIABOLIQUE, however, is just what the doctor ordered. Let the hostilities begin!)

DIABOLIQUE is a remake of a 1954 French film (LES DIABOLIQUES, which is supposed to be quite excellent, though I've never seen it). Chazz Palmenteri plays Guy Buran, the abusive, philanderering headmaster of a boys' academy. Isabelle Adjani is Mia, his tortured wife, who teaches French and dresses much like the nun she once was. And Sharon Stone is Nicole, his tough, bitter mistress who teaches math and dresses like a hooker. The wife and mistress share an unusual bond and an awareness that the only way to deal with Guy is to kill him. Once the murder is done, someone starts sending evidence that their secret deed is known, and that Guy might not really be dead.

In case you thought Sharon Stone's days as screen tart were over, I assure you she is up to her old tricks once again. Working with Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorsese may have raised Stone to new heights in CASINO. But give her top billing in a film like DIABOLIQUE and you can be sure she'll return to the depths from whence she came.

Isabelle Adjani (she's French you know) has a serious gothic thing going on in this film, and I'll admit I have a weakness for that. Long, thick, black hair, pale skin, black dresses and a dark cross resting between her collarbones. Her beauty contrasts wonderfully with Sharon Stone's and the cinematography (which was quite nice) takes good advantage of this. If I could re-edit DIABOLIQUE, I would probably cut it into a simple succession of scenes featuring either or both women, with no sound and no attempt to convey a narrative. Doing so would have improved the movie by playing to its strengths. But, in reality, I suppose even that would have worn thin. Toward the end, I did find myself bored with Adjani's fish-faced gaping and Stone's chain-smoking sneer.

The script was a wretched pile of bromides peppered with some amusing moments - like when one of Guy's girlfriends shows up for abortion money, or when Kathy Bates (playing a cop turned private investigator) catches the scent of foul play on Nicole and Mia. Not one of the scenes was convincing, though. You always knew it was make-believe.

Someone in the rows in front of me commented after the movie that since the filmmakers knew DIABOLIQUE would get an R rating, the least they could have done was include a love scene between Nicole and Mia. That would have helped, but not very much.

Thinking back on the plot is like playing the video game, "Pitfall!" - holes start spontaneously opening before you. I won't go into these for the sake of those who want to see the movie. But if you really want to see DIABOLIQUE, catch the original on video.

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